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Out of Spoons
The more reading I do in the Polychrome universe, the more I find myself wishing I had access to the resources there. I've also thought my childhood was ok, standard, and while it wasn't perfect by any means, I never felt neglected or abused. However, I am realizing that I am missing a boatload of skills, particularly in the social and emotional areas. Earlier this year, I had a huge personal issue and I'm still trying to resolve the fallout from that but it feels like any time the emotions pop up, I'm stuck just dealing with the tears or near panic. I can't seem to find a way to handle the problem that is causing the emotions.
I want to have better emotional intelligence and self awareness, while at the same time, find myself lacking any real desire to put in the effort to learn those skills. I find myself much more willing to learn new languages or a new craft, essentially fun things, rather than exert effort in an area where it would truly benefit me. I have a hard time identifying my feelings and working out my wants and often lack the drive to sit down and honestly try to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing a piece that other people seem to use so effortlessly. How do you fix not wanting to make an effort, while still wishing the problem would go away?
It doesn't help that I have a major tendency to procrastinate and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.
I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. Do I need a spoon for each task? My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.
Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? I would love to not have to fight myself to do the household tasks, putting them off until they are almost impossibly daunting and take up twice the spoons (which of course I don't have). I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons. I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.
The personal issues I mentioned earlier make me wary of any relationship commitments at the moment, since I'm definitely not ready. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, or myself. I have so much work to do to get through those issues before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again, but that also makes it harder to get what I need on an "emotional" (I need a better word than emotional but I don't have one) level. I have certain, preferences, that are better satisfied in an on-going "relationship", rather than just as a one-off. The one-offs help, but are a little more shallow than what I need. Much to my frustration though, I have a damn difficult time trying to explain what I need. I have read multiple stories that leave me filled with want for what the characters have but it is the intangible interactions, rather than one specific action, that I want most. Which makes it kind of hard to explain to other people. Saying "I want this" (waves hand at 5,000 word story), doesn't work so well lol.
I feel like even with the help of Doctor G., Bennett, Aidan, AND Pain's Gray, I would still be hopelessly tangled up inside and more than they could deal with. Oddly enough, typing this made me feel a little better, though I'm still desperately wishing that L-Canada offered classes for emotional skills, cause I truly suck at them. A few tips on scheduling and follow through would be a big help too.
*shimmers out of her living room and pops back into existence in the fuzzy nook, cuddled up on the couch with a weighted blanket, a stuffed animal and about a dozen pillows*
I want to have better emotional intelligence and self awareness, while at the same time, find myself lacking any real desire to put in the effort to learn those skills. I find myself much more willing to learn new languages or a new craft, essentially fun things, rather than exert effort in an area where it would truly benefit me. I have a hard time identifying my feelings and working out my wants and often lack the drive to sit down and honestly try to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing a piece that other people seem to use so effortlessly. How do you fix not wanting to make an effort, while still wishing the problem would go away?
It doesn't help that I have a major tendency to procrastinate and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.
I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. Do I need a spoon for each task? My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.
Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? I would love to not have to fight myself to do the household tasks, putting them off until they are almost impossibly daunting and take up twice the spoons (which of course I don't have). I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons. I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.
The personal issues I mentioned earlier make me wary of any relationship commitments at the moment, since I'm definitely not ready. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, or myself. I have so much work to do to get through those issues before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again, but that also makes it harder to get what I need on an "emotional" (I need a better word than emotional but I don't have one) level. I have certain, preferences, that are better satisfied in an on-going "relationship", rather than just as a one-off. The one-offs help, but are a little more shallow than what I need. Much to my frustration though, I have a damn difficult time trying to explain what I need. I have read multiple stories that leave me filled with want for what the characters have but it is the intangible interactions, rather than one specific action, that I want most. Which makes it kind of hard to explain to other people. Saying "I want this" (waves hand at 5,000 word story), doesn't work so well lol.
I feel like even with the help of Doctor G., Bennett, Aidan, AND Pain's Gray, I would still be hopelessly tangled up inside and more than they could deal with. Oddly enough, typing this made me feel a little better, though I'm still desperately wishing that L-Canada offered classes for emotional skills, cause I truly suck at them. A few tips on scheduling and follow through would be a big help too.
*shimmers out of her living room and pops back into existence in the fuzzy nook, cuddled up on the couch with a weighted blanket, a stuffed animal and about a dozen pillows*
Thoughts
That is one of the most common comments I get.
The longer I spend in this setting, the more I dig into it looking for how it works. I am surprised by how little of the important stuff relies on superpowers or advanced tech. Much of it is replicable here. I can tell people how to do a lot more things than I can actually do myself. I know how they work. Sometimes I can even find local references that are partial versions which could be built upon. So there's hope.
>> I've also thought my childhood was ok, standard, and while it wasn't perfect by any means, I never felt neglected or abused. However, I am realizing that I am missing a boatload of skills, particularly in the social and emotional areas. <<
That could be a form of neglect, but often it's plain old ineptitude. Not all families are functional or dysfunctional. In the middle there's a large range of assorted crumminess. Sometimes it's lack of time, like when both parents work several jobs to keep the household afloat, with no time left for actual parenting. Often it's because you can't teach what you don't know; if they didn't learn these things growing up, they couldn't pass them on to you.
>>Earlier this year, I had a huge personal issue and I'm still trying to resolve the fallout from that but it feels like any time the emotions pop up, I'm stuck just dealing with the tears or near panic. I can't seem to find a way to handle the problem that is causing the emotions.<<
Well, that sucks.
Have you tried therapy? If so, does it work for you? It does not work for everyone, but people who like it say that it's extremely useful for just such situations. If you have not tried it, you might look at options in your area. There are two obvious things to try. One is any of the short modules (typically 4-6 weeks) that teach coping skills. Another would be psychoanalysis to dig for the root cause of the problem. If at all possible, do them in that order, because you need coping skills to endure psychoanalysis. Deepwork is hard.
Another route would be self-help. If you learn well from books or videos, this may work for you. It's possible to just plain level-grind your way through social and emotional skills. Pick something you don't know, find a list of its parts, start at the top, and try the suggestions or practice the exercises. I've crammed a ton of this stuff into my footnotes.
Again moving from lighter to heavier work, there is Robert Anton Wilson's writing, such as Prometheus Rising, essentially a book on how to manipulate reality and reprogram your brain. It works, but it leaves you facing some very ugly truths about society. (Any therapy that works has that risk.) Some samples:
https://medium.com/reality-tunnels/introduction-to-reality-tunnels-a-tool-for-understanding-the-postmodern-world-72cdd98af9d0
https://trans4mind.com/transformation/transform6.10.htm
>> I want to have better emotional intelligence and self awareness, while at the same time, find myself lacking any real desire to put in the effort to learn those skills. <<
That's the contemplation phase.
https://pics.me.me/stages-of-change-bizprivy-ok-lets-do-this-ok-what-19365549.png
http://www.cpe.vt.edu/gttc/presentations/8eStagesofChange.pdf
Here's an exercise worksheet for thinking about change:
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9f/49/7b/9f497b2a28b3efe3e4dd48c765a3ec5a.png
>> I find myself much more willing to learn new languages or a new craft, essentially fun things, rather than exert effort in an area where it would truly benefit me.<<
Everyone finds it easier to learn fun things than hard things. Some options:
* Look for ways to make hard things fun. The most famous exercise for teaching mindfulness, The Door, is moronic and maddening. Instead, buy a copy of We Didn't Playtest This At All and try remembering to say "AAAA! ZOMBIES!" before your turn. The game seems ridiculously simple and silly until the useful, interesting, difficult stuff suddenly pops up.
* Do a hard thing and then a fun thing. I do this all the time. Remember Shiv doing therapy questions for creme pastels? Sit down with a carton of strawberries or your favorite phone game. Do a productive activity and then give yourself a reward. Make it immediate and concrete. Your lizard brain should catch on.
* Cut big projects into small steps. This is crucial to accomplishing anything important and is one of the things crummy families often fail to teach. Frex, make a list of things you would like to learn. Pick one. List its components. Think of one activity that would help you learn one component. Do it. Each of those is a separate task. Don't try to do them all at once.
>> I have a hard time identifying my feelings and working out my wants and often lack the drive to sit down and honestly try to figure it out. <<
That's an intrapersonal shortage. There are tons of things you can do to learn more about yourself. Some are fun and easy. Others are not. Start with the simpler ones.
Study some basic emotions. Learn to identify them. Then work on identifying your own emotions.
Think about what you want and need. Distinguish between wants and needs.
Try the Circle of Life exercise to see where you need the most work.
>> I feel like I'm missing a piece that other people seem to use so effortlessly. <<
Other people often make things look easy when they're not. Don't assume that what you see is real. Especially on the Internet where most folks want to look as good as possible.
>> How do you fix not wanting to make an effort, while still wishing the problem would go away? <<
* Find a way to make the obstacles lower.
* Find a way to get more energy.
* Find a reward you really want and throw it over the wall.
* Wait until your life blows up in your face and something HAS to change.