Out of Spoons
Dec. 1st, 2018 05:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fuzzyredThe more reading I do in the Polychrome universe, the more I find myself wishing I had access to the resources there. I've also thought my childhood was ok, standard, and while it wasn't perfect by any means, I never felt neglected or abused. However, I am realizing that I am missing a boatload of skills, particularly in the social and emotional areas. Earlier this year, I had a huge personal issue and I'm still trying to resolve the fallout from that but it feels like any time the emotions pop up, I'm stuck just dealing with the tears or near panic. I can't seem to find a way to handle the problem that is causing the emotions.
I want to have better emotional intelligence and self awareness, while at the same time, find myself lacking any real desire to put in the effort to learn those skills. I find myself much more willing to learn new languages or a new craft, essentially fun things, rather than exert effort in an area where it would truly benefit me. I have a hard time identifying my feelings and working out my wants and often lack the drive to sit down and honestly try to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing a piece that other people seem to use so effortlessly. How do you fix not wanting to make an effort, while still wishing the problem would go away?
It doesn't help that I have a major tendency to procrastinate and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.
I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. Do I need a spoon for each task? My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.
Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? I would love to not have to fight myself to do the household tasks, putting them off until they are almost impossibly daunting and take up twice the spoons (which of course I don't have). I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons. I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.
The personal issues I mentioned earlier make me wary of any relationship commitments at the moment, since I'm definitely not ready. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, or myself. I have so much work to do to get through those issues before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again, but that also makes it harder to get what I need on an "emotional" (I need a better word than emotional but I don't have one) level. I have certain, preferences, that are better satisfied in an on-going "relationship", rather than just as a one-off. The one-offs help, but are a little more shallow than what I need. Much to my frustration though, I have a damn difficult time trying to explain what I need. I have read multiple stories that leave me filled with want for what the characters have but it is the intangible interactions, rather than one specific action, that I want most. Which makes it kind of hard to explain to other people. Saying "I want this" (waves hand at 5,000 word story), doesn't work so well lol.
I feel like even with the help of Doctor G., Bennett, Aidan, AND Pain's Gray, I would still be hopelessly tangled up inside and more than they could deal with. Oddly enough, typing this made me feel a little better, though I'm still desperately wishing that L-Canada offered classes for emotional skills, cause I truly suck at them. A few tips on scheduling and follow through would be a big help too.
*shimmers out of her living room and pops back into existence in the fuzzy nook, cuddled up on the couch with a weighted blanket, a stuffed animal and about a dozen pillows*
I want to have better emotional intelligence and self awareness, while at the same time, find myself lacking any real desire to put in the effort to learn those skills. I find myself much more willing to learn new languages or a new craft, essentially fun things, rather than exert effort in an area where it would truly benefit me. I have a hard time identifying my feelings and working out my wants and often lack the drive to sit down and honestly try to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing a piece that other people seem to use so effortlessly. How do you fix not wanting to make an effort, while still wishing the problem would go away?
It doesn't help that I have a major tendency to procrastinate and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.
I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. Do I need a spoon for each task? My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.
Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? I would love to not have to fight myself to do the household tasks, putting them off until they are almost impossibly daunting and take up twice the spoons (which of course I don't have). I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons. I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.
The personal issues I mentioned earlier make me wary of any relationship commitments at the moment, since I'm definitely not ready. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, or myself. I have so much work to do to get through those issues before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again, but that also makes it harder to get what I need on an "emotional" (I need a better word than emotional but I don't have one) level. I have certain, preferences, that are better satisfied in an on-going "relationship", rather than just as a one-off. The one-offs help, but are a little more shallow than what I need. Much to my frustration though, I have a damn difficult time trying to explain what I need. I have read multiple stories that leave me filled with want for what the characters have but it is the intangible interactions, rather than one specific action, that I want most. Which makes it kind of hard to explain to other people. Saying "I want this" (waves hand at 5,000 word story), doesn't work so well lol.
I feel like even with the help of Doctor G., Bennett, Aidan, AND Pain's Gray, I would still be hopelessly tangled up inside and more than they could deal with. Oddly enough, typing this made me feel a little better, though I'm still desperately wishing that L-Canada offered classes for emotional skills, cause I truly suck at them. A few tips on scheduling and follow through would be a big help too.
*shimmers out of her living room and pops back into existence in the fuzzy nook, cuddled up on the couch with a weighted blanket, a stuffed animal and about a dozen pillows*
no subject
Date: 2018-12-02 05:25 am (UTC)(I am assuming you have a smartphone or at least something that will do alarms for you?)
What I have been learning is: start small, baby steps, do something sustainable, master that, then build on it. Working *around* a shortcoming is a legit thing to do until/unless you can master it.
Much empathy here.
Oh, one other thing. You're in Canada. Do you feel less enspooned during winter? I am finding that a SADD light is having a noticeable effect for me... (remembers and switches to a "warm" light now that it's getting close to bedtime...)
*hugs or other comfort offered*
no subject
Date: 2018-12-02 07:07 am (UTC)I need to work on the small steps part. I tend to be impatient and want things done now so sometimes I have a habit of biting off more than I can chew. I think in regards to house things, I might make an "ideal" schedule, then pick one item on it to work on doing consistently. I find once I establish a pattern I'm less likely to break it. It just takes awhile to get there lol.
I don't know if I've noticed a difference in spoons between seasons. I do know that I seem a less motivated in dreary weather and I do have less spoons during my female time of month. I'm more emotional then too, which is probably the reason for lack of spoons.
I am not sure what a SADD light is. I'm guessing it varies the tint of the light?
*HUGS* Thank you for the comment and support, it helps a lot :)
no subject
Date: 2018-12-02 07:19 am (UTC)https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/in-depth/seasonal-affective-disorder-treatment/art-20048298
My smartphone will let me choose what sound to use for the alarm, and I've gotten sneaky and side-loaded a few custom ones... dunno if yours will or not, but worth checking into.
Take best care! I am happiest when I am able to bring smiles to others, or at least lessen their pain.
Thoughts
Date: 2018-12-02 11:35 am (UTC)If it doesn't now, get an app. There are hundreds of apps for reminders, alarms, etc. Free or paid.
>>I need to work on the small steps part.<<
Do ONE thing:
https://www.goal-fish.org/
>>I don't know if I've noticed a difference in spoons between seasons. I do know that I seem a less motivated in dreary weather and I do have less spoons during my female time of month. I'm more emotional then too, which is probably the reason for lack of spoons.<<
There are many mood-tracking worksheets and apps to choose from. Think about what you wish to know and try some.
http://www.wellocracy.com/mobile-mood-apps/
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320758.php
https://www.psycom.net/25-best-mental-health-apps
If you don't want to keep using your phone:
https://4fkjxm1bitfb1nn5cs27qrgn-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/daily-month-mood-chart-830x640.png
https://www.mountnittany.org/assets/images/krames/52314.jpg
Thoughts
Date: 2018-12-02 10:28 am (UTC)That is one of the most common comments I get.
The longer I spend in this setting, the more I dig into it looking for how it works. I am surprised by how little of the important stuff relies on superpowers or advanced tech. Much of it is replicable here. I can tell people how to do a lot more things than I can actually do myself. I know how they work. Sometimes I can even find local references that are partial versions which could be built upon. So there's hope.
>> I've also thought my childhood was ok, standard, and while it wasn't perfect by any means, I never felt neglected or abused. However, I am realizing that I am missing a boatload of skills, particularly in the social and emotional areas. <<
That could be a form of neglect, but often it's plain old ineptitude. Not all families are functional or dysfunctional. In the middle there's a large range of assorted crumminess. Sometimes it's lack of time, like when both parents work several jobs to keep the household afloat, with no time left for actual parenting. Often it's because you can't teach what you don't know; if they didn't learn these things growing up, they couldn't pass them on to you.
>>Earlier this year, I had a huge personal issue and I'm still trying to resolve the fallout from that but it feels like any time the emotions pop up, I'm stuck just dealing with the tears or near panic. I can't seem to find a way to handle the problem that is causing the emotions.<<
Well, that sucks.
Have you tried therapy? If so, does it work for you? It does not work for everyone, but people who like it say that it's extremely useful for just such situations. If you have not tried it, you might look at options in your area. There are two obvious things to try. One is any of the short modules (typically 4-6 weeks) that teach coping skills. Another would be psychoanalysis to dig for the root cause of the problem. If at all possible, do them in that order, because you need coping skills to endure psychoanalysis. Deepwork is hard.
Another route would be self-help. If you learn well from books or videos, this may work for you. It's possible to just plain level-grind your way through social and emotional skills. Pick something you don't know, find a list of its parts, start at the top, and try the suggestions or practice the exercises. I've crammed a ton of this stuff into my footnotes.
Again moving from lighter to heavier work, there is Robert Anton Wilson's writing, such as Prometheus Rising, essentially a book on how to manipulate reality and reprogram your brain. It works, but it leaves you facing some very ugly truths about society. (Any therapy that works has that risk.) Some samples:
https://medium.com/reality-tunnels/introduction-to-reality-tunnels-a-tool-for-understanding-the-postmodern-world-72cdd98af9d0
https://trans4mind.com/transformation/transform6.10.htm
>> I want to have better emotional intelligence and self awareness, while at the same time, find myself lacking any real desire to put in the effort to learn those skills. <<
That's the contemplation phase.
https://pics.me.me/stages-of-change-bizprivy-ok-lets-do-this-ok-what-19365549.png
http://www.cpe.vt.edu/gttc/presentations/8eStagesofChange.pdf
Here's an exercise worksheet for thinking about change:
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9f/49/7b/9f497b2a28b3efe3e4dd48c765a3ec5a.png
>> I find myself much more willing to learn new languages or a new craft, essentially fun things, rather than exert effort in an area where it would truly benefit me.<<
Everyone finds it easier to learn fun things than hard things. Some options:
* Look for ways to make hard things fun. The most famous exercise for teaching mindfulness, The Door, is moronic and maddening. Instead, buy a copy of We Didn't Playtest This At All and try remembering to say "AAAA! ZOMBIES!" before your turn. The game seems ridiculously simple and silly until the useful, interesting, difficult stuff suddenly pops up.
* Do a hard thing and then a fun thing. I do this all the time. Remember Shiv doing therapy questions for creme pastels? Sit down with a carton of strawberries or your favorite phone game. Do a productive activity and then give yourself a reward. Make it immediate and concrete. Your lizard brain should catch on.
* Cut big projects into small steps. This is crucial to accomplishing anything important and is one of the things crummy families often fail to teach. Frex, make a list of things you would like to learn. Pick one. List its components. Think of one activity that would help you learn one component. Do it. Each of those is a separate task. Don't try to do them all at once.
>> I have a hard time identifying my feelings and working out my wants and often lack the drive to sit down and honestly try to figure it out. <<
That's an intrapersonal shortage. There are tons of things you can do to learn more about yourself. Some are fun and easy. Others are not. Start with the simpler ones.
Study some basic emotions. Learn to identify them. Then work on identifying your own emotions.
Think about what you want and need. Distinguish between wants and needs.
Try the Circle of Life exercise to see where you need the most work.
>> I feel like I'm missing a piece that other people seem to use so effortlessly. <<
Other people often make things look easy when they're not. Don't assume that what you see is real. Especially on the Internet where most folks want to look as good as possible.
>> How do you fix not wanting to make an effort, while still wishing the problem would go away? <<
* Find a way to make the obstacles lower.
* Find a way to get more energy.
* Find a reward you really want and throw it over the wall.
* Wait until your life blows up in your face and something HAS to change.
Thoughts
Date: 2018-12-02 11:11 am (UTC)So do I. Early on, I realized that it led to having to do things at the last minute, which I hate more than getting off my ass. I actually tend to overcompensate and do things early. That's a change inspired by natural consequences. YMMV.
>> and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. <<
Some people seem born with high willpower or energy. Others build it up deliberately. What you may be missing are tools and techniques to make things happen.
>> I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.<<
I know plenty of people who have meltdowns, including for that reason. Most of those people have mental or physical issues that mean they have much less energy than usual and/or things are much harder for them to do. Most people do not have meltdowns frequently but everyone will melt down under enough stress. If everyday life is more than you can handle, fairly often, then probably there is some underlying issue causing that. Finding out what it is could make your life easier. Or not. Some are fixable, others aren't and will make people discriminate against you.
>> I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. <<
Many people have that issue. Remember it was written by someone with lupus who always had a small if variable number of spoons. If you're not that wrecked, some days there will be a lot more and/or they will be bigger. That's more confusing.
>> Do I need a spoon for each task? <<
When you're fucked up enough, yes. I have been there. I have written a 3000 word article while feeling so crappy that I would hack out one paragraph and then read fanfic until I scraped up enough energy to do another paragraph.
>> My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". <<
Practice concentrating on one step at a time. If you eat the apple, at least you have eaten something. If your problem is partly caused by low blood sugar, eating the apple may help you think through -- and GET through -- the rest of the steps.
>> One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.<<
The more you pile up, the more daunting it will look. In addition to doing one thing at a time, consider whether steps can be skipped or replaced. For some people, buying Lunchables is lazy; for others, it means the difference between having the energy to brush their teeth or not.
>>Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? <<
Many people find that coping skills give them spoons. Pick a list. Try the things on it. Note which make you feel relaxed, happy, energized, etc. Use as needed.
http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/tip-99-coping-skills.aspx
http://rwjms.rutgers.edu/departments_institutes/cf_center/documents/Alphabet-of-Coping-Skills-Interventions.pdf
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/coping-skills-worksheets/
You will actually have to test these. None of them work for everyone; each person has their own set.
Try to find at least one coping skill per category:
https://i1.wp.com/jobloving.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/1510878143_stress-management-coping-skills-distraction-grounding-emotional-release-self-love-thought-cha.jpg?resize=696%2C836
>> I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons.<<
Maybe what you need are better PEOPLE. You are an introvert. You need lots of alone time, and some socializing with people who give you something in exchange for the energy you spend to be with them. What are you getting? If the answer is nothing, don't go. If people demand you go anyway, they are feeding on you and that is not a good thing.
Decent people will want you to be happy and comfortable. They will not treat you like a vending machine or a TV. They make allowances for each other's different needs.
https://discourse-cloud-file-uploads.s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/boingboing/original/3X/1/a/1ae0230e9243215413ba16a4557d6778f6ce80b2.jpg
http://www.lovethispic.com/uploaded_images/179068-How-To-Care-For-Introverts.jpg
>> I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. <<
The feeling of disliking conflict may not go away. However, you can learn skills to deal with it so it is not as scary because you have a plan. Similarly, assertiveness can be practiced. Some options:
https://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Art-Verbal-Self-Defense/dp/0880290307
https://www.wikihow.com/Resolve-Conflict-Effectively
https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Assertive
These are skills where roleplaying scenarios can help a lot.
>> I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. <<
https://vividlearningsystems.com/safety-toolbox/conflict-de-escalation-techniques
https://www.managementstudyhq.com/characteristics-and-steps-of-negotiation-process.html
These skills take practice. They will not feel comfortable at first. It may take time before they work. This is normal for many skills. See above re: roleplaying. Because these are popular skills, it is easy to find classes on them in most locations.
>> I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.<<
That's harder to find but it does exist. I've seen a few places advertising classes. I'm not sure how good they are, though. I do link to resources on this topic for that reason.
Some resources:
EFA Kit (easy to make, a good first step)
https://www.betweensessions.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Creating-An-Emotional-Emergency-Kit_f031415.pdf
EFA for yourself:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/emotional-first-aid/
EFA for others:
http://www.whentragedystrikes.org/pdfs/5_efa_skills.pdf
Basic needs:
https://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-12-08-1449600105-570897-Crisis_checklist_eng.jpg
Thoughts
Date: 2018-12-02 11:28 am (UTC)That sounds very prudent.
>> I have so much work to do to get through those issues before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again, but that also makes it harder to get what I need on an "emotional" (I need a better word than emotional but I don't have one) level. <<
True. Consider your needs and whether any of them can be met through friendship, pets, toys, or other means than a significant other. You don't necessarily have to meet them all at once, just get the tank full enough to go on with.
>> I have certain, preferences, that are better satisfied in an on-going "relationship", rather than just as a one-off. The one-offs help, but are a little more shallow than what I need. Much to my frustration though, I have a damn difficult time trying to explain what I need. <<
Then practice. It's a basic exercise for intrapersonal prowess. What do you feel? What do you want? Why? The more you do it, the better you'll get. And you probably won't get better if you don't work on it.
>> I have read multiple stories that leave me filled with want for what the characters have but it is the intangible interactions, rather than one specific action, that I want most. Which makes it kind of hard to explain to other people. Saying "I want this" (waves hand at 5,000 word story), doesn't work so well lol. <<
Believe it or not, I have had people ask my permission to take a story or poem to their therapist, lifepartner, etc. for exactly that reason. It can work. A good therapist can sometimes help people articulate more precisely, such as "I think kink sounds intrigueing but maybe not that much pain," or "I want someone to nurture me," or "I want to take care of someone who will appreciate it and make me feel useful," or "I want someone to stop crowding me when I say I'm all-peopled-out."
A lot of those scenes are either requests for a fixit from someone else, or my fantasies about how I wish people would behave instead of what they actually do. It can be done. But you have to know the options exist and what you would want, then figure out how to communicate that ... to someone who actually cares how you feel.
>> I feel like even with the help of Doctor G., Bennett, Aidan, AND Pain's Gray, I would still be hopelessly tangled up inside and more than they could deal with. <<
Maybe so. But every one of the characters you just named has come from an agonizing past, and that is WHY they are that good -- and that gentle with other people's pain. Dr. G lost half his family as a toddler. Bennett was in an abusive relationship. Aidan is thousands of years old and has lost everything repeatedly. Pain's Gray was abandoned after his first kink scene, and also later tortured. Every one of those people has been an utter sobbing wreck. They all had help, at various times, from other people around them; and they all decided to work on skills that would help them survive and eventually thrive.
>> Oddly enough, typing this made me feel a little better, <<
That's good! Look at what you wrote. It talks about your wishes and your obstacles. Those are important first steps to making progress. They're things that often appear on a goal worksheet:
https://www.developgoodhabits.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/SMART-Goal-Setting-Worksheet-819x1024.jpg
>> though I'm still desperately wishing that L-Canada offered classes for emotional skills, cause I truly suck at them. <<
I wish that too. It's why I keep writing the stuff down. It does help, because readers tell me they use this stuff. Heck, if all you can do is read stories that show the kind of things you want to have, maybe that will help you too. Lots of people tell me they think "What would Stan do?" or "What would Dr. G do?" when they have a problem.
>> A few tips on scheduling and follow through would be a big help too.<<
https://www.wikihow.com/Schedule-Your-Day
https://daringtolivefully.com/how-to-follow-through
Okay, now you have a lot of new suggestions for things to try.
Pick ONE. Not five, not the whole list. Pick the thing that sounds easiest or most useful or you already have the materials to finish. Go do the thing. Pat yourself on the back.
The next time you have some energy, do another thing. ONE thing at a time.
No matter how slow you go, or how bad a job you think you're doing, you will get better if you keep at it.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-12-02 08:19 pm (UTC)I love my mom but I don't think her family was big on emotions so I think she missed a lot of the building blocks herself. A lot of the feelings stuff got brushed off as stupid or making a big deal out of nothing. Being a single parent (divorced) was probably also hard.
I did the Circle of Life! Next step, figure out which things I want to improve. Next next step, sort through the links for the most useful or cost efficient (work vs reward) links.
Thank you again!
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-12-02 08:33 pm (UTC)*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service.
>> It also helps to have someone acknowledge what I said without brushing it off or calling me stupid or messed up.<<
Suddenly realizing you're short a bunch of critical information is not a thing to brush off. It is well worthy of going "Ack ack ack!" over for a while. This is why people have those panicky dreams about showing up for a final exam in a class they forgot to take.
You're not stupid or messed up. You're shortchanged. It's a chore to fix, but it is fixable. Information can be obtained and skills can be learned. Nobody arrives at adulthood with everything they need; some folks just have bigger gaps than others. You can get through this.
>> I love my mom but I don't think her family was big on emotions so I think she missed a lot of the building blocks herself. <<
That sounds very plausible.
>> A lot of the feelings stuff got brushed off as stupid or making a big deal out of nothing.<<
Ouch.
Feelings are not stupid. We have them for a reason -- they're motivators. Anger happens when your goals are blocked and you need to remove the blocks. Fear happens when you're threatened and you need to run or fight. Sometimes feelings are inaccurate, and you need to recognize that; but you can't unless you already know their accurate versions.
>> Being a single parent (divorced) was probably also hard. <<
Yes, that's very hard. Some people cope with it by focusing on practicalities because their whole emotional self is writing in pain, and if they stopped to pay attention to that then nothing else would get done. It's not a healthy response, but sometimes it's the least-worst they can manage.
>> I did the Circle of Life! Next step, figure out which things I want to improve. Next next step, sort through the links for the most useful or cost efficient (work vs reward) links.<<
You have a plan! It is a good plan. I wish you luck with it.
I do still recommend the emotional first aid kit, if that sounds at all useful to you. Most of what you asked about were skills that will take time to learn and practice. The kit is a single project that you can either build one piece at a time as you think of comforting items, or put together in an hour or so and be done with. Plus it would be useful in dealing with the inevitable stress of learning new skills.
*happyflap*
Date: 2018-12-03 12:17 pm (UTC)You are NOT alone, you can learn how to do this stuff, you will get there!
I find it helpful to write down tasks by order of frequencies and difficulties. And deadlines for these.
You can write down steps to check off of larger tasks to mark done however works for you.
If you get stuck bogged down by little details that make up a larger task it can help to have the ideal deadline and the absolute deadline written down. That way of you get stuck partway through trying to make your lunch at night, you know by what time the next morning that task needs done.
If you have a lot of big ticket tasks that need doing by a particular day or time, it is also a good idea to plan your breaks and mini rewards in between them and set time limits for those so you aren't tempted to let reward time eat your whole day. And set
a big ticket reward for the end of the list so you have something good to look forward to.
With emotional intelligence stuff it also helps to remember that anger, frustration, sadness, and anguish are emotions. It is normal to feel them when you are trying to learn a new thing, even emotional intelligence things, and you can use them as practice. You can talk through the reasons why you are feeling the way you are feeling, you can voice whatever you need to to help you identify what is going on in ypur own emotional landscape and use that to
mark your progress. You have to give yourself space to feel the yucky stuff during the process, but the yucky stuff can also be a great measure to what you have learned and how far you have come. This stuff can be hard and complicated to learn, but resist the temptation to believe you won't get better at it, because you will.
Re: *happyflap*
Date: 2018-12-03 12:51 pm (UTC)Thank you. Hearing nice things helps. Breaking things down into steps might help too. Setting breaks and rewards with appropriate frequency and a time limit sounds like it will help a lot.
Thanks for taking the time to give advice. It helps knowing I'm not all alone.
Hugs?
Re: *happyflap*
Date: 2018-12-03 05:18 pm (UTC)Re: *happyflap*
Date: 2018-12-03 08:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-04 11:44 pm (UTC)We know how you feel. Executive dysfunction is hard. Doing steps can help.
Chucky
no subject
Date: 2018-12-05 02:17 am (UTC)I'm feeling better now. I didn't magically acquire all the skills I'm missing but I don't feel as overwhelmed or as despairing as I did. Sometimes the emotions well up and swamp me, then everything is no fun and I notice what is lacking a lot more.
A lot of links were posted and I'm hopeful that at least some of them will be helpful. I did the Circle of Life! And now I'm working on putting and EFA kit together. Baby steps :)
Thanks for the support. If you ever need some too, you can come and hide out in my nook. It's safe and has no scary thinhs or responsibilities :)
Hugs?