Out of Spoons
Dec. 1st, 2018 05:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fuzzyredThe more reading I do in the Polychrome universe, the more I find myself wishing I had access to the resources there. I've also thought my childhood was ok, standard, and while it wasn't perfect by any means, I never felt neglected or abused. However, I am realizing that I am missing a boatload of skills, particularly in the social and emotional areas. Earlier this year, I had a huge personal issue and I'm still trying to resolve the fallout from that but it feels like any time the emotions pop up, I'm stuck just dealing with the tears or near panic. I can't seem to find a way to handle the problem that is causing the emotions.
I want to have better emotional intelligence and self awareness, while at the same time, find myself lacking any real desire to put in the effort to learn those skills. I find myself much more willing to learn new languages or a new craft, essentially fun things, rather than exert effort in an area where it would truly benefit me. I have a hard time identifying my feelings and working out my wants and often lack the drive to sit down and honestly try to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing a piece that other people seem to use so effortlessly. How do you fix not wanting to make an effort, while still wishing the problem would go away?
It doesn't help that I have a major tendency to procrastinate and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.
I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. Do I need a spoon for each task? My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.
Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? I would love to not have to fight myself to do the household tasks, putting them off until they are almost impossibly daunting and take up twice the spoons (which of course I don't have). I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons. I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.
The personal issues I mentioned earlier make me wary of any relationship commitments at the moment, since I'm definitely not ready. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, or myself. I have so much work to do to get through those issues before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again, but that also makes it harder to get what I need on an "emotional" (I need a better word than emotional but I don't have one) level. I have certain, preferences, that are better satisfied in an on-going "relationship", rather than just as a one-off. The one-offs help, but are a little more shallow than what I need. Much to my frustration though, I have a damn difficult time trying to explain what I need. I have read multiple stories that leave me filled with want for what the characters have but it is the intangible interactions, rather than one specific action, that I want most. Which makes it kind of hard to explain to other people. Saying "I want this" (waves hand at 5,000 word story), doesn't work so well lol.
I feel like even with the help of Doctor G., Bennett, Aidan, AND Pain's Gray, I would still be hopelessly tangled up inside and more than they could deal with. Oddly enough, typing this made me feel a little better, though I'm still desperately wishing that L-Canada offered classes for emotional skills, cause I truly suck at them. A few tips on scheduling and follow through would be a big help too.
*shimmers out of her living room and pops back into existence in the fuzzy nook, cuddled up on the couch with a weighted blanket, a stuffed animal and about a dozen pillows*
I want to have better emotional intelligence and self awareness, while at the same time, find myself lacking any real desire to put in the effort to learn those skills. I find myself much more willing to learn new languages or a new craft, essentially fun things, rather than exert effort in an area where it would truly benefit me. I have a hard time identifying my feelings and working out my wants and often lack the drive to sit down and honestly try to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing a piece that other people seem to use so effortlessly. How do you fix not wanting to make an effort, while still wishing the problem would go away?
It doesn't help that I have a major tendency to procrastinate and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.
I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. Do I need a spoon for each task? My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.
Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? I would love to not have to fight myself to do the household tasks, putting them off until they are almost impossibly daunting and take up twice the spoons (which of course I don't have). I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons. I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.
The personal issues I mentioned earlier make me wary of any relationship commitments at the moment, since I'm definitely not ready. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, or myself. I have so much work to do to get through those issues before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again, but that also makes it harder to get what I need on an "emotional" (I need a better word than emotional but I don't have one) level. I have certain, preferences, that are better satisfied in an on-going "relationship", rather than just as a one-off. The one-offs help, but are a little more shallow than what I need. Much to my frustration though, I have a damn difficult time trying to explain what I need. I have read multiple stories that leave me filled with want for what the characters have but it is the intangible interactions, rather than one specific action, that I want most. Which makes it kind of hard to explain to other people. Saying "I want this" (waves hand at 5,000 word story), doesn't work so well lol.
I feel like even with the help of Doctor G., Bennett, Aidan, AND Pain's Gray, I would still be hopelessly tangled up inside and more than they could deal with. Oddly enough, typing this made me feel a little better, though I'm still desperately wishing that L-Canada offered classes for emotional skills, cause I truly suck at them. A few tips on scheduling and follow through would be a big help too.
*shimmers out of her living room and pops back into existence in the fuzzy nook, cuddled up on the couch with a weighted blanket, a stuffed animal and about a dozen pillows*
no subject
Date: 2018-12-02 07:07 am (UTC)I need to work on the small steps part. I tend to be impatient and want things done now so sometimes I have a habit of biting off more than I can chew. I think in regards to house things, I might make an "ideal" schedule, then pick one item on it to work on doing consistently. I find once I establish a pattern I'm less likely to break it. It just takes awhile to get there lol.
I don't know if I've noticed a difference in spoons between seasons. I do know that I seem a less motivated in dreary weather and I do have less spoons during my female time of month. I'm more emotional then too, which is probably the reason for lack of spoons.
I am not sure what a SADD light is. I'm guessing it varies the tint of the light?
*HUGS* Thank you for the comment and support, it helps a lot :)
no subject
Date: 2018-12-02 07:19 am (UTC)https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/in-depth/seasonal-affective-disorder-treatment/art-20048298
My smartphone will let me choose what sound to use for the alarm, and I've gotten sneaky and side-loaded a few custom ones... dunno if yours will or not, but worth checking into.
Take best care! I am happiest when I am able to bring smiles to others, or at least lessen their pain.
Thoughts
Date: 2018-12-02 11:35 am (UTC)If it doesn't now, get an app. There are hundreds of apps for reminders, alarms, etc. Free or paid.
>>I need to work on the small steps part.<<
Do ONE thing:
https://www.goal-fish.org/
>>I don't know if I've noticed a difference in spoons between seasons. I do know that I seem a less motivated in dreary weather and I do have less spoons during my female time of month. I'm more emotional then too, which is probably the reason for lack of spoons.<<
There are many mood-tracking worksheets and apps to choose from. Think about what you wish to know and try some.
http://www.wellocracy.com/mobile-mood-apps/
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320758.php
https://www.psycom.net/25-best-mental-health-apps
If you don't want to keep using your phone:
https://4fkjxm1bitfb1nn5cs27qrgn-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/daily-month-mood-chart-830x640.png
https://www.mountnittany.org/assets/images/krames/52314.jpg