Out of Spoons
Dec. 1st, 2018 05:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fuzzyredThe more reading I do in the Polychrome universe, the more I find myself wishing I had access to the resources there. I've also thought my childhood was ok, standard, and while it wasn't perfect by any means, I never felt neglected or abused. However, I am realizing that I am missing a boatload of skills, particularly in the social and emotional areas. Earlier this year, I had a huge personal issue and I'm still trying to resolve the fallout from that but it feels like any time the emotions pop up, I'm stuck just dealing with the tears or near panic. I can't seem to find a way to handle the problem that is causing the emotions.
I want to have better emotional intelligence and self awareness, while at the same time, find myself lacking any real desire to put in the effort to learn those skills. I find myself much more willing to learn new languages or a new craft, essentially fun things, rather than exert effort in an area where it would truly benefit me. I have a hard time identifying my feelings and working out my wants and often lack the drive to sit down and honestly try to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing a piece that other people seem to use so effortlessly. How do you fix not wanting to make an effort, while still wishing the problem would go away?
It doesn't help that I have a major tendency to procrastinate and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.
I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. Do I need a spoon for each task? My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.
Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? I would love to not have to fight myself to do the household tasks, putting them off until they are almost impossibly daunting and take up twice the spoons (which of course I don't have). I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons. I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.
The personal issues I mentioned earlier make me wary of any relationship commitments at the moment, since I'm definitely not ready. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, or myself. I have so much work to do to get through those issues before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again, but that also makes it harder to get what I need on an "emotional" (I need a better word than emotional but I don't have one) level. I have certain, preferences, that are better satisfied in an on-going "relationship", rather than just as a one-off. The one-offs help, but are a little more shallow than what I need. Much to my frustration though, I have a damn difficult time trying to explain what I need. I have read multiple stories that leave me filled with want for what the characters have but it is the intangible interactions, rather than one specific action, that I want most. Which makes it kind of hard to explain to other people. Saying "I want this" (waves hand at 5,000 word story), doesn't work so well lol.
I feel like even with the help of Doctor G., Bennett, Aidan, AND Pain's Gray, I would still be hopelessly tangled up inside and more than they could deal with. Oddly enough, typing this made me feel a little better, though I'm still desperately wishing that L-Canada offered classes for emotional skills, cause I truly suck at them. A few tips on scheduling and follow through would be a big help too.
*shimmers out of her living room and pops back into existence in the fuzzy nook, cuddled up on the couch with a weighted blanket, a stuffed animal and about a dozen pillows*
I want to have better emotional intelligence and self awareness, while at the same time, find myself lacking any real desire to put in the effort to learn those skills. I find myself much more willing to learn new languages or a new craft, essentially fun things, rather than exert effort in an area where it would truly benefit me. I have a hard time identifying my feelings and working out my wants and often lack the drive to sit down and honestly try to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing a piece that other people seem to use so effortlessly. How do you fix not wanting to make an effort, while still wishing the problem would go away?
It doesn't help that I have a major tendency to procrastinate and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.
I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. Do I need a spoon for each task? My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.
Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? I would love to not have to fight myself to do the household tasks, putting them off until they are almost impossibly daunting and take up twice the spoons (which of course I don't have). I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons. I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.
The personal issues I mentioned earlier make me wary of any relationship commitments at the moment, since I'm definitely not ready. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, or myself. I have so much work to do to get through those issues before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again, but that also makes it harder to get what I need on an "emotional" (I need a better word than emotional but I don't have one) level. I have certain, preferences, that are better satisfied in an on-going "relationship", rather than just as a one-off. The one-offs help, but are a little more shallow than what I need. Much to my frustration though, I have a damn difficult time trying to explain what I need. I have read multiple stories that leave me filled with want for what the characters have but it is the intangible interactions, rather than one specific action, that I want most. Which makes it kind of hard to explain to other people. Saying "I want this" (waves hand at 5,000 word story), doesn't work so well lol.
I feel like even with the help of Doctor G., Bennett, Aidan, AND Pain's Gray, I would still be hopelessly tangled up inside and more than they could deal with. Oddly enough, typing this made me feel a little better, though I'm still desperately wishing that L-Canada offered classes for emotional skills, cause I truly suck at them. A few tips on scheduling and follow through would be a big help too.
*shimmers out of her living room and pops back into existence in the fuzzy nook, cuddled up on the couch with a weighted blanket, a stuffed animal and about a dozen pillows*
Thoughts
Date: 2018-12-02 11:28 am (UTC)That sounds very prudent.
>> I have so much work to do to get through those issues before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again, but that also makes it harder to get what I need on an "emotional" (I need a better word than emotional but I don't have one) level. <<
True. Consider your needs and whether any of them can be met through friendship, pets, toys, or other means than a significant other. You don't necessarily have to meet them all at once, just get the tank full enough to go on with.
>> I have certain, preferences, that are better satisfied in an on-going "relationship", rather than just as a one-off. The one-offs help, but are a little more shallow than what I need. Much to my frustration though, I have a damn difficult time trying to explain what I need. <<
Then practice. It's a basic exercise for intrapersonal prowess. What do you feel? What do you want? Why? The more you do it, the better you'll get. And you probably won't get better if you don't work on it.
>> I have read multiple stories that leave me filled with want for what the characters have but it is the intangible interactions, rather than one specific action, that I want most. Which makes it kind of hard to explain to other people. Saying "I want this" (waves hand at 5,000 word story), doesn't work so well lol. <<
Believe it or not, I have had people ask my permission to take a story or poem to their therapist, lifepartner, etc. for exactly that reason. It can work. A good therapist can sometimes help people articulate more precisely, such as "I think kink sounds intrigueing but maybe not that much pain," or "I want someone to nurture me," or "I want to take care of someone who will appreciate it and make me feel useful," or "I want someone to stop crowding me when I say I'm all-peopled-out."
A lot of those scenes are either requests for a fixit from someone else, or my fantasies about how I wish people would behave instead of what they actually do. It can be done. But you have to know the options exist and what you would want, then figure out how to communicate that ... to someone who actually cares how you feel.
>> I feel like even with the help of Doctor G., Bennett, Aidan, AND Pain's Gray, I would still be hopelessly tangled up inside and more than they could deal with. <<
Maybe so. But every one of the characters you just named has come from an agonizing past, and that is WHY they are that good -- and that gentle with other people's pain. Dr. G lost half his family as a toddler. Bennett was in an abusive relationship. Aidan is thousands of years old and has lost everything repeatedly. Pain's Gray was abandoned after his first kink scene, and also later tortured. Every one of those people has been an utter sobbing wreck. They all had help, at various times, from other people around them; and they all decided to work on skills that would help them survive and eventually thrive.
>> Oddly enough, typing this made me feel a little better, <<
That's good! Look at what you wrote. It talks about your wishes and your obstacles. Those are important first steps to making progress. They're things that often appear on a goal worksheet:
https://www.developgoodhabits.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/SMART-Goal-Setting-Worksheet-819x1024.jpg
>> though I'm still desperately wishing that L-Canada offered classes for emotional skills, cause I truly suck at them. <<
I wish that too. It's why I keep writing the stuff down. It does help, because readers tell me they use this stuff. Heck, if all you can do is read stories that show the kind of things you want to have, maybe that will help you too. Lots of people tell me they think "What would Stan do?" or "What would Dr. G do?" when they have a problem.
>> A few tips on scheduling and follow through would be a big help too.<<
https://www.wikihow.com/Schedule-Your-Day
https://daringtolivefully.com/how-to-follow-through
Okay, now you have a lot of new suggestions for things to try.
Pick ONE. Not five, not the whole list. Pick the thing that sounds easiest or most useful or you already have the materials to finish. Go do the thing. Pat yourself on the back.
The next time you have some energy, do another thing. ONE thing at a time.
No matter how slow you go, or how bad a job you think you're doing, you will get better if you keep at it.
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-12-02 08:19 pm (UTC)I love my mom but I don't think her family was big on emotions so I think she missed a lot of the building blocks herself. A lot of the feelings stuff got brushed off as stupid or making a big deal out of nothing. Being a single parent (divorced) was probably also hard.
I did the Circle of Life! Next step, figure out which things I want to improve. Next next step, sort through the links for the most useful or cost efficient (work vs reward) links.
Thank you again!
Re: Thoughts
Date: 2018-12-02 08:33 pm (UTC)*bow, flourish* Happy to be of service.
>> It also helps to have someone acknowledge what I said without brushing it off or calling me stupid or messed up.<<
Suddenly realizing you're short a bunch of critical information is not a thing to brush off. It is well worthy of going "Ack ack ack!" over for a while. This is why people have those panicky dreams about showing up for a final exam in a class they forgot to take.
You're not stupid or messed up. You're shortchanged. It's a chore to fix, but it is fixable. Information can be obtained and skills can be learned. Nobody arrives at adulthood with everything they need; some folks just have bigger gaps than others. You can get through this.
>> I love my mom but I don't think her family was big on emotions so I think she missed a lot of the building blocks herself. <<
That sounds very plausible.
>> A lot of the feelings stuff got brushed off as stupid or making a big deal out of nothing.<<
Ouch.
Feelings are not stupid. We have them for a reason -- they're motivators. Anger happens when your goals are blocked and you need to remove the blocks. Fear happens when you're threatened and you need to run or fight. Sometimes feelings are inaccurate, and you need to recognize that; but you can't unless you already know their accurate versions.
>> Being a single parent (divorced) was probably also hard. <<
Yes, that's very hard. Some people cope with it by focusing on practicalities because their whole emotional self is writing in pain, and if they stopped to pay attention to that then nothing else would get done. It's not a healthy response, but sometimes it's the least-worst they can manage.
>> I did the Circle of Life! Next step, figure out which things I want to improve. Next next step, sort through the links for the most useful or cost efficient (work vs reward) links.<<
You have a plan! It is a good plan. I wish you luck with it.
I do still recommend the emotional first aid kit, if that sounds at all useful to you. Most of what you asked about were skills that will take time to learn and practice. The kit is a single project that you can either build one piece at a time as you think of comforting items, or put together in an hour or so and be done with. Plus it would be useful in dealing with the inevitable stress of learning new skills.