>> It doesn't help that I have a major tendency to procrastinate <<
So do I. Early on, I realized that it led to having to do things at the last minute, which I hate more than getting off my ass. I actually tend to overcompensate and do things early. That's a change inspired by natural consequences. YMMV.
>> and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. <<
Some people seem born with high willpower or energy. Others build it up deliberately. What you may be missing are tools and techniques to make things happen.
>> I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.<<
I know plenty of people who have meltdowns, including for that reason. Most of those people have mental or physical issues that mean they have much less energy than usual and/or things are much harder for them to do. Most people do not have meltdowns frequently but everyone will melt down under enough stress. If everyday life is more than you can handle, fairly often, then probably there is some underlying issue causing that. Finding out what it is could make your life easier. Or not. Some are fixable, others aren't and will make people discriminate against you.
>> I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. <<
Many people have that issue. Remember it was written by someone with lupus who always had a small if variable number of spoons. If you're not that wrecked, some days there will be a lot more and/or they will be bigger. That's more confusing.
>> Do I need a spoon for each task? <<
When you're fucked up enough, yes. I have been there. I have written a 3000 word article while feeling so crappy that I would hack out one paragraph and then read fanfic until I scraped up enough energy to do another paragraph.
>> My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". <<
Practice concentrating on one step at a time. If you eat the apple, at least you have eaten something. If your problem is partly caused by low blood sugar, eating the apple may help you think through -- and GET through -- the rest of the steps.
>> One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.<<
The more you pile up, the more daunting it will look. In addition to doing one thing at a time, consider whether steps can be skipped or replaced. For some people, buying Lunchables is lazy; for others, it means the difference between having the energy to brush their teeth or not.
>>Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? <<
Many people find that coping skills give them spoons. Pick a list. Try the things on it. Note which make you feel relaxed, happy, energized, etc. Use as needed.
>> I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons.<<
Maybe what you need are better PEOPLE. You are an introvert. You need lots of alone time, and some socializing with people who give you something in exchange for the energy you spend to be with them. What are you getting? If the answer is nothing, don't go. If people demand you go anyway, they are feeding on you and that is not a good thing.
Decent people will want you to be happy and comfortable. They will not treat you like a vending machine or a TV. They make allowances for each other's different needs.
>> I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. <<
The feeling of disliking conflict may not go away. However, you can learn skills to deal with it so it is not as scary because you have a plan. Similarly, assertiveness can be practiced. Some options:
These skills take practice. They will not feel comfortable at first. It may take time before they work. This is normal for many skills. See above re: roleplaying. Because these are popular skills, it is easy to find classes on them in most locations.
>> I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.<<
That's harder to find but it does exist. I've seen a few places advertising classes. I'm not sure how good they are, though. I do link to resources on this topic for that reason.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Thoughts
Date: 2018-12-02 11:11 am (UTC)So do I. Early on, I realized that it led to having to do things at the last minute, which I hate more than getting off my ass. I actually tend to overcompensate and do things early. That's a change inspired by natural consequences. YMMV.
>> and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. <<
Some people seem born with high willpower or energy. Others build it up deliberately. What you may be missing are tools and techniques to make things happen.
>> I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.<<
I know plenty of people who have meltdowns, including for that reason. Most of those people have mental or physical issues that mean they have much less energy than usual and/or things are much harder for them to do. Most people do not have meltdowns frequently but everyone will melt down under enough stress. If everyday life is more than you can handle, fairly often, then probably there is some underlying issue causing that. Finding out what it is could make your life easier. Or not. Some are fixable, others aren't and will make people discriminate against you.
>> I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. <<
Many people have that issue. Remember it was written by someone with lupus who always had a small if variable number of spoons. If you're not that wrecked, some days there will be a lot more and/or they will be bigger. That's more confusing.
>> Do I need a spoon for each task? <<
When you're fucked up enough, yes. I have been there. I have written a 3000 word article while feeling so crappy that I would hack out one paragraph and then read fanfic until I scraped up enough energy to do another paragraph.
>> My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". <<
Practice concentrating on one step at a time. If you eat the apple, at least you have eaten something. If your problem is partly caused by low blood sugar, eating the apple may help you think through -- and GET through -- the rest of the steps.
>> One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.<<
The more you pile up, the more daunting it will look. In addition to doing one thing at a time, consider whether steps can be skipped or replaced. For some people, buying Lunchables is lazy; for others, it means the difference between having the energy to brush their teeth or not.
>>Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? <<
Many people find that coping skills give them spoons. Pick a list. Try the things on it. Note which make you feel relaxed, happy, energized, etc. Use as needed.
http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/tip-99-coping-skills.aspx
http://rwjms.rutgers.edu/departments_institutes/cf_center/documents/Alphabet-of-Coping-Skills-Interventions.pdf
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/coping-skills-worksheets/
You will actually have to test these. None of them work for everyone; each person has their own set.
Try to find at least one coping skill per category:
https://i1.wp.com/jobloving.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/1510878143_stress-management-coping-skills-distraction-grounding-emotional-release-self-love-thought-cha.jpg?resize=696%2C836
>> I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons.<<
Maybe what you need are better PEOPLE. You are an introvert. You need lots of alone time, and some socializing with people who give you something in exchange for the energy you spend to be with them. What are you getting? If the answer is nothing, don't go. If people demand you go anyway, they are feeding on you and that is not a good thing.
Decent people will want you to be happy and comfortable. They will not treat you like a vending machine or a TV. They make allowances for each other's different needs.
https://discourse-cloud-file-uploads.s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/boingboing/original/3X/1/a/1ae0230e9243215413ba16a4557d6778f6ce80b2.jpg
http://www.lovethispic.com/uploaded_images/179068-How-To-Care-For-Introverts.jpg
>> I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. <<
The feeling of disliking conflict may not go away. However, you can learn skills to deal with it so it is not as scary because you have a plan. Similarly, assertiveness can be practiced. Some options:
https://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Art-Verbal-Self-Defense/dp/0880290307
https://www.wikihow.com/Resolve-Conflict-Effectively
https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Assertive
These are skills where roleplaying scenarios can help a lot.
>> I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. <<
https://vividlearningsystems.com/safety-toolbox/conflict-de-escalation-techniques
https://www.managementstudyhq.com/characteristics-and-steps-of-negotiation-process.html
These skills take practice. They will not feel comfortable at first. It may take time before they work. This is normal for many skills. See above re: roleplaying. Because these are popular skills, it is easy to find classes on them in most locations.
>> I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.<<
That's harder to find but it does exist. I've seen a few places advertising classes. I'm not sure how good they are, though. I do link to resources on this topic for that reason.
Some resources:
EFA Kit (easy to make, a good first step)
https://www.betweensessions.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Creating-An-Emotional-Emergency-Kit_f031415.pdf
EFA for yourself:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/emotional-first-aid/
EFA for others:
http://www.whentragedystrikes.org/pdfs/5_efa_skills.pdf
Basic needs:
https://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-12-08-1449600105-570897-Crisis_checklist_eng.jpg