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Out of Spoons
The more reading I do in the Polychrome universe, the more I find myself wishing I had access to the resources there. I've also thought my childhood was ok, standard, and while it wasn't perfect by any means, I never felt neglected or abused. However, I am realizing that I am missing a boatload of skills, particularly in the social and emotional areas. Earlier this year, I had a huge personal issue and I'm still trying to resolve the fallout from that but it feels like any time the emotions pop up, I'm stuck just dealing with the tears or near panic. I can't seem to find a way to handle the problem that is causing the emotions.
I want to have better emotional intelligence and self awareness, while at the same time, find myself lacking any real desire to put in the effort to learn those skills. I find myself much more willing to learn new languages or a new craft, essentially fun things, rather than exert effort in an area where it would truly benefit me. I have a hard time identifying my feelings and working out my wants and often lack the drive to sit down and honestly try to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing a piece that other people seem to use so effortlessly. How do you fix not wanting to make an effort, while still wishing the problem would go away?
It doesn't help that I have a major tendency to procrastinate and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.
I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. Do I need a spoon for each task? My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.
Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? I would love to not have to fight myself to do the household tasks, putting them off until they are almost impossibly daunting and take up twice the spoons (which of course I don't have). I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons. I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.
The personal issues I mentioned earlier make me wary of any relationship commitments at the moment, since I'm definitely not ready. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, or myself. I have so much work to do to get through those issues before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again, but that also makes it harder to get what I need on an "emotional" (I need a better word than emotional but I don't have one) level. I have certain, preferences, that are better satisfied in an on-going "relationship", rather than just as a one-off. The one-offs help, but are a little more shallow than what I need. Much to my frustration though, I have a damn difficult time trying to explain what I need. I have read multiple stories that leave me filled with want for what the characters have but it is the intangible interactions, rather than one specific action, that I want most. Which makes it kind of hard to explain to other people. Saying "I want this" (waves hand at 5,000 word story), doesn't work so well lol.
I feel like even with the help of Doctor G., Bennett, Aidan, AND Pain's Gray, I would still be hopelessly tangled up inside and more than they could deal with. Oddly enough, typing this made me feel a little better, though I'm still desperately wishing that L-Canada offered classes for emotional skills, cause I truly suck at them. A few tips on scheduling and follow through would be a big help too.
*shimmers out of her living room and pops back into existence in the fuzzy nook, cuddled up on the couch with a weighted blanket, a stuffed animal and about a dozen pillows*
I want to have better emotional intelligence and self awareness, while at the same time, find myself lacking any real desire to put in the effort to learn those skills. I find myself much more willing to learn new languages or a new craft, essentially fun things, rather than exert effort in an area where it would truly benefit me. I have a hard time identifying my feelings and working out my wants and often lack the drive to sit down and honestly try to figure it out. I feel like I'm missing a piece that other people seem to use so effortlessly. How do you fix not wanting to make an effort, while still wishing the problem would go away?
It doesn't help that I have a major tendency to procrastinate and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.
I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. Do I need a spoon for each task? My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.
Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? I would love to not have to fight myself to do the household tasks, putting them off until they are almost impossibly daunting and take up twice the spoons (which of course I don't have). I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons. I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.
The personal issues I mentioned earlier make me wary of any relationship commitments at the moment, since I'm definitely not ready. It wouldn't be fair to the other person, or myself. I have so much work to do to get through those issues before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again, but that also makes it harder to get what I need on an "emotional" (I need a better word than emotional but I don't have one) level. I have certain, preferences, that are better satisfied in an on-going "relationship", rather than just as a one-off. The one-offs help, but are a little more shallow than what I need. Much to my frustration though, I have a damn difficult time trying to explain what I need. I have read multiple stories that leave me filled with want for what the characters have but it is the intangible interactions, rather than one specific action, that I want most. Which makes it kind of hard to explain to other people. Saying "I want this" (waves hand at 5,000 word story), doesn't work so well lol.
I feel like even with the help of Doctor G., Bennett, Aidan, AND Pain's Gray, I would still be hopelessly tangled up inside and more than they could deal with. Oddly enough, typing this made me feel a little better, though I'm still desperately wishing that L-Canada offered classes for emotional skills, cause I truly suck at them. A few tips on scheduling and follow through would be a big help too.
*shimmers out of her living room and pops back into existence in the fuzzy nook, cuddled up on the couch with a weighted blanket, a stuffed animal and about a dozen pillows*
Thoughts
So do I. Early on, I realized that it led to having to do things at the last minute, which I hate more than getting off my ass. I actually tend to overcompensate and do things early. That's a change inspired by natural consequences. YMMV.
>> and again, seem to lack that inner drive most people have. <<
Some people seem born with high willpower or energy. Others build it up deliberately. What you may be missing are tools and techniques to make things happen.
>> I would rather sit and read than do the dishes or the laundry. I understand that most people feel that way, but I seem to have a much harder time making myself do the unpleasant things than everyone else does. Or possibly I just whine about it more. Though I don't know anyone that has a meltdown in the kitchen because they ran out of spoons (metaphorically) to make their lunch.<<
I know plenty of people who have meltdowns, including for that reason. Most of those people have mental or physical issues that mean they have much less energy than usual and/or things are much harder for them to do. Most people do not have meltdowns frequently but everyone will melt down under enough stress. If everyday life is more than you can handle, fairly often, then probably there is some underlying issue causing that. Finding out what it is could make your life easier. Or not. Some are fixable, others aren't and will make people discriminate against you.
>> I like the spoons analogy when talking about having energy to deal with things but I never know how to quantify it. <<
Many people have that issue. Remember it was written by someone with lupus who always had a small if variable number of spoons. If you're not that wrecked, some days there will be a lot more and/or they will be bigger. That's more confusing.
>> Do I need a spoon for each task? <<
When you're fucked up enough, yes. I have been there. I have written a 3000 word article while feeling so crappy that I would hack out one paragraph and then read fanfic until I scraped up enough energy to do another paragraph.
>> My brain makes this seem exceptionally daunting because I have a habit of getting picky about details; instead of saying "I need to make my lunch", often it ends up as, "I need an apple, then a granola bar, then crackers, then I have to cut the cheese for the sandwich, etc. ...". <<
Practice concentrating on one step at a time. If you eat the apple, at least you have eaten something. If your problem is partly caused by low blood sugar, eating the apple may help you think through -- and GET through -- the rest of the steps.
>> One spoon for making the lunch is reasonable, need one spoon for each task on the list, totally unreasonable and a bit daunting. Usually I can remind myself that it's just an analogy and I can adapt it however I want to, but sometimes my cope is just gone and it's 9:00 at night and I'm freaking out over having to make my lunch and brush my teeth, simultaneously wanting to go to bed yet adamantly NOT wanting to do the things needed in order to actually go to bed.<<
The more you pile up, the more daunting it will look. In addition to doing one thing at a time, consider whether steps can be skipped or replaced. For some people, buying Lunchables is lazy; for others, it means the difference between having the energy to brush their teeth or not.
>>Any tips for generating more spoons or more motivation to do ordinary things? <<
Many people find that coping skills give them spoons. Pick a list. Try the things on it. Note which make you feel relaxed, happy, energized, etc. Use as needed.
http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/tip-99-coping-skills.aspx
http://rwjms.rutgers.edu/departments_institutes/cf_center/documents/Alphabet-of-Coping-Skills-Interventions.pdf
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/coping-skills-worksheets/
You will actually have to test these. None of them work for everyone; each person has their own set.
Try to find at least one coping skill per category:
https://i1.wp.com/jobloving.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/1510878143_stress-management-coping-skills-distraction-grounding-emotional-release-self-love-thought-cha.jpg?resize=696%2C836
>> I also wish I had better people skills because sometimes family is a lot and being an introvert means social gatherings tend to devour my spoons.<<
Maybe what you need are better PEOPLE. You are an introvert. You need lots of alone time, and some socializing with people who give you something in exchange for the energy you spend to be with them. What are you getting? If the answer is nothing, don't go. If people demand you go anyway, they are feeding on you and that is not a good thing.
Decent people will want you to be happy and comfortable. They will not treat you like a vending machine or a TV. They make allowances for each other's different needs.
https://discourse-cloud-file-uploads.s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/boingboing/original/3X/1/a/1ae0230e9243215413ba16a4557d6778f6ce80b2.jpg
http://www.lovethispic.com/uploaded_images/179068-How-To-Care-For-Introverts.jpg
>> I like people but they can be exhausting. On top of that, I'm conflict averse and not assertive so handle difficult people or situations is beyond my skill range. <<
The feeling of disliking conflict may not go away. However, you can learn skills to deal with it so it is not as scary because you have a plan. Similarly, assertiveness can be practiced. Some options:
https://www.amazon.com/Gentle-Art-Verbal-Self-Defense/dp/0880290307
https://www.wikihow.com/Resolve-Conflict-Effectively
https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Assertive
These are skills where roleplaying scenarios can help a lot.
>> I would trade any number of favours for even basic skills in de-escalation and negotiation. <<
https://vividlearningsystems.com/safety-toolbox/conflict-de-escalation-techniques
https://www.managementstudyhq.com/characteristics-and-steps-of-negotiation-process.html
These skills take practice. They will not feel comfortable at first. It may take time before they work. This is normal for many skills. See above re: roleplaying. Because these are popular skills, it is easy to find classes on them in most locations.
>> I would trade even more for emotional first aid training. My inter- and intra-personal skills are sorely lacking; I'm only just now beginning to realize the scope.<<
That's harder to find but it does exist. I've seen a few places advertising classes. I'm not sure how good they are, though. I do link to resources on this topic for that reason.
Some resources:
EFA Kit (easy to make, a good first step)
https://www.betweensessions.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Creating-An-Emotional-Emergency-Kit_f031415.pdf
EFA for yourself:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/emotional-first-aid/
EFA for others:
http://www.whentragedystrikes.org/pdfs/5_efa_skills.pdf
Basic needs:
https://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-12-08-1449600105-570897-Crisis_checklist_eng.jpg