Conflicting plans

[fuzzyred]

I hate making decisions. And I hate more when deciding means I'm going to disappoint someone. It always seems like I either have zero plans or all the plans at once. In this case, I got invited to a surprise birthday party for a friend this Saturday. The invite was issued weeks ago and I decided I would go, even though there are some activities planned that are on the edge of my comfort zone.

Then yesterday my grandma said that she is having both my cousins and their kids over this Saturday for dinner so that they have an easier time with Thanksgiving plans next weekend, and my gram invited me and my sister as well. Usually my gram does things on Sundays, but apparently there is a car show they might go to Sunday so dinner was planned for Saturday.

Both are this Saturday. The party is at 3pm in a city 2 hours from here. Gram's dinner is... well... dinner, so probably around 5 or 6. I have no clue how to decide which to go to because I want to attend both and I really love my family but I made the other commitment first and no matter what someone is going to be disappointed and I'm going to feel guilty. I keep trying to see if there is some way I could do both, but I really don't think that's going to be possible.

I'm leaning towards family, because I don't often see everyone all together and justifying not being there is going to be hard, but cancelling after saying yes to the party sucks too. And I can feel myself fishing for someone to tell me, "Do x, it's the right thing to do," so that I don't have to feel guilty but that's not the way life works and I have to make my own choice. It's just hard when I know I'm going to be letting someone down.

Comments

[stealthsystem]

Could you write down the good parts of each choice and do a decision tree?

[fuzzyred]

That might be a good idea. Maybe if I write things down, they will stop circling in my head.

One way to resolve terminal uncertainty

[ng_moonmoth]

If you find you can't choose based on any factors you can identify, flip a coin. If you see the result and think to yourself, "Best two out of three?", pick the other one. Otherwise, go with what the coin selected.

By way of trying to do both things, how well would it work with your family if you showed up late -- like after dinner -- so you could at least see everyone?

Re: One way to resolve terminal uncertainty

[fuzzyred]

That's a neat way to make a decision when all of the identifiable factors wind up coming out about even. If I'm still having trouble deciding after thinking some more, that sounds like something to try.

I think this is doable, especially if I just stay for the early part of the party. Timing is always flexible with my gram and cousins -dinner tends to be at 6 or 7, and one cousin usually runs anywhere from half an hour to an hout late- so I'm going to see if I can get an estimated arrival time for my cousins. I may also be able to do dinner first and leave on the early side and still join the party after (apparently it might run late), so I'm just waiting to figure out timing better before deciding.

[technoshaman]

"edge of your comfort zone..." is this a good idea in pandemic?

OTOH, how safe are your kinfolk?

[fuzzyred]

Everyone involved in both events is double-vaxxed, so there is that protection, but the family gathering is probably safer, pandemic-wise.

[(Anonymous)]

You could warn gram you might be late, go to the party if it is at 3, stay for 1-2 hours and then go to the family gathering-this is the extroverted option and I know you are an introvert, but if the conflicted feeling is too much it is an option. You will be tired at the end of the night but you could just say you won't be over on Sunday and take Sunday to do absolutely nothing at all and stay home to recharge.

[fuzzyred]

Since my sister indicated 3 or 4pm for a dinner start time, I didn't go up to the party before dinner, which I might have if dinner had a later start time.

I also didn't go up after dinner, because I was at my grandma's until 10:30, and a two hour drive at that time is a bad idea, if things even were still going on. I'm totally okay with the choice I made though; dinner was great and the family time was awesome so that more than made up for the small disappointment of not being able to go to the birthday party.