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General flailing
So. I absolutely suck at adulting and life and finding balance. Boundaries and saying no are another difficult spot for me and sometimes it all adds together to make me panic and flail because I just can't even.
The particular issue behind this post is alone time. I'm an introvert and people are usually a lot of work. I do like seeing them and I want to keep my relationships in good repair, but the amount of energy needed to do so and my inability to say no and balance things often leaves me over stretched and overwhelmed.
In most facets of my life, I tend to binge things; I will focus on something (say a knitting project) and do that for a few weeks or months fairly frequently, then put the activity down for a couple months. If it's something I like, I will eventually circle back to it. If I find I don't like it, the first binge phase will be the only one that happens and I won't come back to that activity (or it might be years in between.) Unfortunately, this does seem to carry over into how I deal with people, so I have a very hard time managing multiple connections. Lots of energy for one means little for everyone else, and I don't seem able to keep up the low level maintenance most people do; if it's not overly frequent (my personal tendency to get invested in a thing that has caught my eye), I tend to fall off the face of the Earth and most people expect more contact than just a text once every three months.
I'm not sure what would help here. I've thought of trying to schedule things so I can maintain a balance between chores, all my hobbies, people I want to see, and alone time, but I am not great at following through with schedules. I also don't want my whole life to be scheduled; I want to be able to be spontaneous and do things just because. Life should be fun, not just a thing to struggle through. Maybe a "month at a glance" type schedule, with major things marked in but still opens for little things? Or days scheduled out by with a space marked "free time" for unexpected things? Or even possibly not agreeing to commitments unless there is a heads up of two days or more, except for one-time opportunity type things? This last option would let be schedule a bit ahead of time, and not give away all my free time, while not having my whole life planned out to the minute.
I'm still just noodling around with things, but this is definitely something I should address, because I don't like flailing about. If anyone has suggestions, I'm all ears. Even basic things, because I have enough patchy spots that I might not have the typical basics.
*wiggleflap*
The particular issue behind this post is alone time. I'm an introvert and people are usually a lot of work. I do like seeing them and I want to keep my relationships in good repair, but the amount of energy needed to do so and my inability to say no and balance things often leaves me over stretched and overwhelmed.
In most facets of my life, I tend to binge things; I will focus on something (say a knitting project) and do that for a few weeks or months fairly frequently, then put the activity down for a couple months. If it's something I like, I will eventually circle back to it. If I find I don't like it, the first binge phase will be the only one that happens and I won't come back to that activity (or it might be years in between.) Unfortunately, this does seem to carry over into how I deal with people, so I have a very hard time managing multiple connections. Lots of energy for one means little for everyone else, and I don't seem able to keep up the low level maintenance most people do; if it's not overly frequent (my personal tendency to get invested in a thing that has caught my eye), I tend to fall off the face of the Earth and most people expect more contact than just a text once every three months.
I'm not sure what would help here. I've thought of trying to schedule things so I can maintain a balance between chores, all my hobbies, people I want to see, and alone time, but I am not great at following through with schedules. I also don't want my whole life to be scheduled; I want to be able to be spontaneous and do things just because. Life should be fun, not just a thing to struggle through. Maybe a "month at a glance" type schedule, with major things marked in but still opens for little things? Or days scheduled out by with a space marked "free time" for unexpected things? Or even possibly not agreeing to commitments unless there is a heads up of two days or more, except for one-time opportunity type things? This last option would let be schedule a bit ahead of time, and not give away all my free time, while not having my whole life planned out to the minute.
I'm still just noodling around with things, but this is definitely something I should address, because I don't like flailing about. If anyone has suggestions, I'm all ears. Even basic things, because I have enough patchy spots that I might not have the typical basics.
*wiggleflap*
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I think the first step is just communicating to people, hey, this is me...
Having spent 30 years building various kinds of relationships via the net and across timezones and all, I'm VERY used to asynchronous, pick-up-where-you-left-off conversations... *especially* since several people either have kids, or chronic illnesses of various sorts... So I'm used to this kind of thing; all's you hadda do was say so. Other folk may find it harder, especially hardcore extroverts... but such people are *tiring*, no?
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I variously do and don't manage to do that. I have a very big people-pleasing tendency, as well as being Conflict Avoidant, as well as being perceptible to other people's disappointment/upset/emotions because my mental shields are still very weak. SO, sometimes I manage to tell people, and other times not. It's a work in progress.
That... That is very nice. I already kind of sort of knew you your flexible on expectations, but it's so nice to have confirmation. Just *HUGS* That kind of understanding is rare for me, and very precious, even if my mind doesn't always grasp that there are some situations where I *don't* have to follow what society expects. *Yes*, yes those people are very tiring to deal with.
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And yeah. Somebody who Gets You is *precious*. Takes one to know one. :)
Good luck on the shields. That's another tough lesson.
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It is indeed. I don't have many of those in real life, so it's very nice that I've found multiple here. :) Yes, like does seem to recognize like.
Thanks. The outside shields are about half functional, and do seem to help when I remember them, they just aren't automatic yet. The real trick will be figuring out how to deal with my own excess emotions.
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That DO be the trick.
.... I got threatened by a maskless today in the grocers. I threatened back, and she split, grumpily... _and_, somehow, I wasn't *nearly* as keyed up by the exchange as I remember being. If I could bottle that calm, you'd get a free sample...
I think maybe this particular bit may have come down to having played out a stronger scenario in my head some weeks ago... *and*... still.
the other trick with shields is once you put them up, remembering to take them *down* when you're in safe space. Like a good cuddle pile with friends.
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That sounds like an unpleasant experience, but good for you for handling it well. The calm would be much appreciated, though in it's absence, I will simply remember that I have friends that care, and take a deep breath. :)
Yes, I can see how taking down the shields would be a good idea. I'm still at the point where I usually forget to put them up, shields being new to me and all.
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Did I mention I like the way you think?
*knocks at pillow fort's door to come in and hang out?*
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I understand completely. Terrible with schedules, and terrible at following up with people especially when it means a phone call. I like it when people contact me, so as long as somebody is okay with that kind of arrangement... It doesn't usually last, and I fall out of touch with people. Email and Discord work better than phone calls, because they're asynchronous and I don't have to prepare for both starting a live conversation and leaving an answering machine message.
People are hard. (Part of why I became a computer programmer.)
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Them: "Let me know when you have time to get together." Me: "Sure, will do." 2 weeks to 6 months later: *crickets*
Plans work much better if the other person gives a time frame. It's not that I don't want to hang out, just that I will usually find higher priority things I want to do, whether that is time with another person, working on a craft project, or just reading. Most people don't seem to like that kind of relationship, so I only have a few close friends in my sphere at any given time.
People are hard. I'm no good at programming, but I also steer clear of any job that needs heavy interaction with other people. (My current job involves working in a booze factory.)
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(I have a weakness for Sortilege...)
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(Anonymous) 2020-08-13 01:22 am (UTC)(link)I had a coworker tell me she thought I was being a completely fake person until I just kept right on being myself for the first 3-4 months of our working relationship and she realized that I was not going to change...that I really was exactly who I said I was. Then we had a laugh.
Ask people what they need or prefer. This ticks the People Pleasing Button and the "I can pop this in my phone and set a reminder if I need to or whatever else works for me" buttons.
Some people are totally fine with occasional contact and some even prefer it.
Try not to make it a competition for yourself or anyone else in your life, that puts way too much pressure on.
If you don't have what you're looking for right now, you have time to find it, and if it didn't work out for you today then it might work out fantastically tomorrow.
Rest assured that you are winning by the very nature of the fact that you are striving to achieve balance and working towards making your social life even better than it is now. Seriously. YOU ARE ALREADY MADE OF THE WIN.
Just keep trying. :D
And as John and Hank Green always say.... Don't Forget To Be Awesome.
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That sounds like an interesting experience. I'm glad you able to laugh about it afterwards.
This is a good idea, I will keep that in mind.
I do try to avoid comparing things, but sometimes my brain can't help it, especially if it feels like I'm losing. (I'm working on that though.)
I do have time, and it will come. It helps to be reminded of that sometimes though. :)
:D Thank you, that is really nice to hear. "YOU ARE ALREADY MADE OF THE WIN." <3<3<3 So much awesome. *hug*
Always trying; everything is a work in progress. Though I do take some time to just be awesome ;)