Interlude

[fuzzyred]

So, I need to do a proper weekly post, as I'm already a day late, but first, this small note to myself.

I have realized I need to start asking dudes if it's a booty call. I don't want to sound vain, and I hate assuming everything is about sex, because to me it's not, but the evidence keeps stacking up to say that it is for the vast majority of everybody else. I always get asked if I want to hang out, but 90% of the time, they want some kind of sex thing. And I don't mind this sometimes, but I'd like to know up front if that's what they're after. So. Next time a male friend/friendly acquaintance asks me to hang out, I'm going to polite ask if they actually mean hanging out, or if they want sexyfuntimes, and I can apologize for making assumptions if I need to.

*headdesk* Has anyone written a manual for dealing with and reading people yet? And if so, can I pretty please buy it, or at least rent it? I can pay in cash, fiber crafts, or editing. *joking but not really*

Comments

[technoshaman]

I think just asking straight out, if they're new or new-ish, is probably a starting approach... because of the *dudes*, too many of them *are* all about "scoring". :P~~~~~~

[arthur_p_dent]

Two simple rules for understanding “dudes”:

1) If hanging out is in private, it almost certainly is intended to involve something sexual.

2) If hanging out is in public, it almost certainly is intended to get you to let your guard down, so that in the future, hanging out can be done in private. (see item 1)

In either case, asking up front is 100% acceptable, and, if reading signals is not your strong suit, consider it a 100% requirement for yourself as well. If the dude beats around the bush or outright lies, you know never to associate with him again. If he’s upfront and honest, you know the situation and can decide for yourself, without ending up in a position you didn’t want to be in.

[warriorsavant]

A line from somewhere, "why does it feel like life has an instruction manual, and I never got a copy."

Moreorless agree with the 2 prior comments. Not 100%, but could be close.

Wise to be wary

[ng_moonmoth]

In my experience with men, "hang out" or similar is far too often manspeak for some form of romantic or sexual intent to not be suspicious of. Just from our interactions to date, I'm reading your position on both axes as fairly strongly demi. As a demi person myself, here are a few filtering tips I've found that helped me.

The men who actually are interested in being companions are much more likely to center the activity: "Would you like to go here/do this"/etc. The ones who are really worth getting to know are likely to have the "here" or the "this" be public, or at an absolute minimum a place providing an open and discreet exit route. These approaches can be used both ways, and may make it so you don't need to drag sex into it to winnow the field. So, if someone wants to "hang out", something like "How about we meet up at the Saturday farmers' market?" has a good chance to reveal their true colors.

Sympathize with you on the difficulty of dealing with people and interpreting their subtext. (I don't like saying "reading", due to the hazards of extrapolating from something that isn't actually subtext.) Never mind the additional challenge of subtext languages with interpretations that diverge more widely than identifying whether "bonnet" and "boot" refer to items of clothing or auto parts. That's probably why there isn't a book like that; the variation is too wide. Genderqueer includes my hitting things like that all the time.

[ex_flameandsong751]

OK, so I'mma assume here that by "dudes" you mean "cisgender guys".

If a cisgender dude has asked you to "hang out" in private and they have not disclosed being gay or asexual to you, it's been my experience over fortysomething years that yes they are probably looking to hook up.

If a transgender dude has asked you to "hang out", well... they might not necessarily be looking to hook up. Most trans guys I've known aren't pigs - we've been socialized female and had to deal with the male gaze unless we were lucky enough to transition very very young, so we get how it is and don't want to creep women out (if we're interested in women; some of us are gay guys lol). In any case, a trans guy probably won't mind you asking "is this a date?"

In any case, I don't think asking to clarify is a bad idea. Anyone who actually truly wants to be your friend should be able to deal with any awkwardness of that question without a big deal, because yes, not everyone can read people.