Interlude

[fuzzyred]

So, I need to do a proper weekly post, as I'm already a day late, but first, this small note to myself.

I have realized I need to start asking dudes if it's a booty call. I don't want to sound vain, and I hate assuming everything is about sex, because to me it's not, but the evidence keeps stacking up to say that it is for the vast majority of everybody else. I always get asked if I want to hang out, but 90% of the time, they want some kind of sex thing. And I don't mind this sometimes, but I'd like to know up front if that's what they're after. So. Next time a male friend/friendly acquaintance asks me to hang out, I'm going to polite ask if they actually mean hanging out, or if they want sexyfuntimes, and I can apologize for making assumptions if I need to.

*headdesk* Has anyone written a manual for dealing with and reading people yet? And if so, can I pretty please buy it, or at least rent it? I can pay in cash, fiber crafts, or editing. *joking but not really*

Comments

[fuzzyred]

That is fairly good advice. I don't like assuming everyone is thinking about sex, because a) I'm not and I know it sucks when people assume I am, and b) it always feels kind of self-centered and egotisic to assume that if a guy is talking to me he is interested in sex-things.

Asking will be a more common thing though, because it's easier to know up front.

[arthur_p_dent]

“ it always feels kind of self-centered and egotisic to assume that if a guy is talking to me he is interested in sex-things.”

“ I always get asked if I want to hang out, but 90% of the time, they want some kind of sex thing.”

You’re not making assumptions anymore. Even if 90% is exaggerated, you’ve still recognized that this is already happening regularly. There’s nothing to feel self-centered about by asking some questions up front.

Suggesting neutral and public places to hang out might be a starting point, but remember, Item 2 will eventually lead back to Item 1. You’ll still need to be prepared to ask these questions, even if it’s hard to do.

[fuzzyred]

>>You’re not making assumptions anymore. Even if 90% is exaggerated, you’ve still recognized that this is already happening regularly. There’s nothing to feel self-centered about by asking some questions up front. <<

Point.

>>but remember, Item 2 will eventually lead back to Item 1.<<

I am going to stubbornly maintain my belief that not every single guy that asks me to hang out is looking for sex-things. Some of the offers of friendship-type things are going to be genuine.

[arthur_p_dent]

“ I am going to stubbornly maintain my belief that not every single guy that asks me to hang out is looking for sex-things. Some of the offers of friendship-type things are going to be genuine.”

Absolutely fair. And I get that painting everyone with the same brush is harsh.

Perhaps a more practical approach would be to start with the guys with whom this has been an issue already. There are no assumptions there, no generalizing. You know from experience what “hanging out” has meant for them before - it’s certainly reasonable to question their motives in the future.

[fuzzyred]

>>Perhaps a more practical approach would be to start with the guys with whom this has been an issue already.<<

This sounds like a solid plan. I also got some tips further down about how to avoid miscommunications of this sort that I will be adding to my rotation of "ways to handle boys*."

*and by boys, I mean cisgendered straight men, because, to my knowledge, that is who I've been dealing with. My approach may be adjusted if I start needing to deal with other gender identities and expressions.

[arthur_p_dent]

Then I suppose as a final clarification, I should state that my opinions would only apply to cisgendered straight men, as that’s the only perspective I have. I wouldn’t pretend to apply the same logic to anyone who identifies differently.

Good luck finding your path. =]

[fuzzyred]

That makes sense. It is often easiest to give insight into the things we know best, most often through personal experience.

Thank you :) I think it's going okay so far.