I actually had to help write a script for a webinar on the topic, which I found ironic considering it was my inability to tell my boss I wanted to focus on my primary task that got me into that project.
One thing that was in the script that really helped though was reframing the No. Every time you say No, you're actually saying Yes, to something else. For instance, if you say No to staying late, you're saying Yes to getting home to spend time with your family. When you say No, it's helpful to think about what Yes you're getting out of it. It can also help to verbalize it, by offering the person you've said no to an alternate option. ("I can't join that committee, but I can get you the papers the committee will need from my department" or "Now isn't a great time to talk, can we catch up over lunch tomorrow?") Don't offer a reason you're saying no, just say no and offer a next-best option that could meet their needs.
The other part that helped was realizing that saying no up front means the rules of the game are set. The limits are clear. Saying yes at first when you want to say no, and then walking back that yes later makes people confused and upset, often because they have no idea you wanted to say no, just that out of nowhere you did say no (or blew up because this pattern lends itself to bottling up and exploding on folks for relatively minor boundary crosses.) Setting you limits right away means everyone knows where the line is and it's THEIR choice to respond how they want. Most people prefer having actual choices rather than wandering blind in minefields, so saying No can actually make you MORE likable, not less. If your lack of skill at No stems from worry about seeming rude (like mine is) then this can help end run that anxiety.
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Date: 2020-05-24 07:57 pm (UTC)One thing that was in the script that really helped though was reframing the No. Every time you say No, you're actually saying Yes, to something else. For instance, if you say No to staying late, you're saying Yes to getting home to spend time with your family. When you say No, it's helpful to think about what Yes you're getting out of it. It can also help to verbalize it, by offering the person you've said no to an alternate option. ("I can't join that committee, but I can get you the papers the committee will need from my department" or "Now isn't a great time to talk, can we catch up over lunch tomorrow?") Don't offer a reason you're saying no, just say no and offer a next-best option that could meet their needs.
The other part that helped was realizing that saying no up front means the rules of the game are set. The limits are clear. Saying yes at first when you want to say no, and then walking back that yes later makes people confused and upset, often because they have no idea you wanted to say no, just that out of nowhere you did say no (or blew up because this pattern lends itself to bottling up and exploding on folks for relatively minor boundary crosses.) Setting you limits right away means everyone knows where the line is and it's THEIR choice to respond how they want. Most people prefer having actual choices rather than wandering blind in minefields, so saying No can actually make you MORE likable, not less. If your lack of skill at No stems from worry about seeming rude (like mine is) then this can help end run that anxiety.