random stuff

[fuzzyred]

All the pool money has been sent in, so there should be lots of new poems over the next couple days!

Does anyone have any links or tips for increasing confidence amd the ability to say "no" definitively? These are both things I need to work on, but I'm not quite sure how. And I'd rather have the skills before I need them, than have to try to forge them in a crisis.

Comments

[technoshaman]

I both do and don't. I struggle with these things a lot; though at the office my management's support has given me more confidence in saying no... how to do that outside a supportive context is a lot harder.

However. I do know of a book roughly on the subject; I had gotten the version oriented towards the workplace near the end of my tenure at a bad place, and then never had time to read it. This is the original, more personally-oriented book: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/133203.The_Gentle_Art_of_Verbal_Self_Defense

[fuzzyred]

Having support is always nice. And yes, saying no without support around you is much harder, though those seem to be the instances where it's most needed.

I will have to check out that book, I could use a bit of verbal self defense.

[technoshaman]

I thought you might could. Let me know what you think, if you do read it?

[fuzzyred]

Will do. *sets a sticky note reminder to look at acquiring the book when more spoons are available*

[bairnsidhe]

I actually had to help write a script for a webinar on the topic, which I found ironic considering it was my inability to tell my boss I wanted to focus on my primary task that got me into that project.

One thing that was in the script that really helped though was reframing the No. Every time you say No, you're actually saying Yes, to something else. For instance, if you say No to staying late, you're saying Yes to getting home to spend time with your family. When you say No, it's helpful to think about what Yes you're getting out of it. It can also help to verbalize it, by offering the person you've said no to an alternate option. ("I can't join that committee, but I can get you the papers the committee will need from my department" or "Now isn't a great time to talk, can we catch up over lunch tomorrow?") Don't offer a reason you're saying no, just say no and offer a next-best option that could meet their needs.


The other part that helped was realizing that saying no up front means the rules of the game are set. The limits are clear. Saying yes at first when you want to say no, and then walking back that yes later makes people confused and upset, often because they have no idea you wanted to say no, just that out of nowhere you did say no (or blew up because this pattern lends itself to bottling up and exploding on folks for relatively minor boundary crosses.) Setting you limits right away means everyone knows where the line is and it's THEIR choice to respond how they want. Most people prefer having actual choices rather than wandering blind in minefields, so saying No can actually make you MORE likable, not less. If your lack of skill at No stems from worry about seeming rude (like mine is) then this can help end run that anxiety.

[fuzzyred]

That sounds like something I would get myself into, so I can sympathise.

That is useful advice and may very well come in handy for me. It also reminds me of a link ysabetwordsmith sent recently, 20 ways to say no. It's worth a look if this is still something that's hard for you.

I think my problem is similar but not quite the same. I'm usually worried about disappointing or letting down the other person if I say no, and I tend to be persceptive to other people's energies (I'm working on my shielding). Although there may also be a little bit of worry tied in there about not being liked; if I upset someone by telling them no, they might like me less.

The other problem is that I picked up the habit early on of saying yes to avoid tantrums from family members. That makes it a lot harder now to find where my boundaries of "I don't want to do this" are, and makes enforcing them harder. If I'm just apathetic, bored, or disinterested, I'll go along with it to save the hassle. Breaking that pattern now that I can is proving to be challenging.